Explaining vs. Defending: Communicating with Clarity Instead of Conflict
There are many situations where we feel the need to explain ourselves. We may disagree with someone’s opinion or choice, unintentionally hurt someone, make a mistake, or misunderstand something. While the intention behind explaining is often good, it can sometimes be misplaced. As humans, we naturally want to be seen in a positive light, and based on past experiences, we may assume that without an explanation, others will think the worst of us. However, this assumption can lead to communication pitfalls.
While our intention may be to clarify, explaining ourselves doesn’t always change the situation or provide what the other person needs in that moment. Without realizing it, we can easily cross the line into defending ourselves, which can create more tension or even harm the conversation.
The Key Difference: Explaining vs. Defending
The distinction lies in the focus—explaining is others-focused, while defending is self-focused. When we defend ourselves, we instinctively see the conversation as a conflict, triggering a mindset that assumes danger or negative consequences if we don’t justify our position.
1. Explaining Seeks Clarity, Defending Seeks Justification
Explaining aims to provide insight and help the other person understand.
Defending is often about proving oneself right or avoiding blame.
2. Explaining is Open-Ended, Defending is Closed-Off
Explaining invites curiosity and leaves room for the other person’s perspective.
Defending can shut down communication and create resistance.
3. Defending Can Escalate Conflict, While Explaining Can De-Escalate It
Defending can make the other person feel dismissed or unheard, increasing emotional intensity.
Explaining, when done with the right intent, can calm tensions and lead to resolution.
4. Explaining Stems from Emotional Regulation, Defending from Reactivity
Explaining requires self-awareness and control, allowing us to respond thoughtfully.
Defending is often a knee-jerk reaction driven by frustration, fear, or insecurity.
5. Explaining Shows Ownership, Defending Shifts Blame
Explaining acknowledges responsibility and provides honest reasoning.
Defending can involve making excuses, shifting blame, or minimizing our actions.
6. Defending is About Persuasion; Explaining is About Perspective
Defending is about trying to convince the other person to see things our way.
Explaining is about offering insight without demanding agreement.
The Role of Fear in Defensiveness
Defending is often rooted in fear—fear of judgment, failure, being wrong, losing a relationship, or not being forgiven. In an attempt to protect ourselves, we may unintentionally:
Minimize the other person’s feelings.
Justify our actions instead of taking full accountability.
Excuse behavior that needs to change.
This can cause us to miss valuable opportunities to validate the other person’s experience, gain deeper understanding, or learn from the situation.
Explaining From a Place of Security
Explaining, on the other hand, comes from a place of security. When we trust that we will be okay—whether or not we get the chance to explain—we don’t feel the need to force our perspective. Instead, we stay focused on the core issue:
If I disagree with someone, I will seek to understand before trying to be understood (as Stephen Covey teaches in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People).
If I unintentionally hurt someone, I will take accountability, express remorse, and commit to change.
If I make a mistake, I will own it and seek to learn from it.
If I misunderstand something, I will ask questions and seek clarification before reacting.
When we remain issue-focused, the opportunity to explain our position often arises naturally. It doesn’t need to be forced or imposed.
The Role of Guilt and Remorse
Guilt and remorse can also lead us to rush for forgiveness. We may feel an urgency to explain ourselves in hopes that the other person will forgive us quickly. However, two key truths are important to remember:
We are not entitled to anyone’s forgiveness (see the blog on forgiveness).
Receiving forgiveness does not absolve us of responsibility for change.
Some wounds take time to heal. If we equate forgiveness with being “off the hook” for our actions, we risk falling into a dangerous cycle—one where an explanation feels like enough, and true accountability is avoided.
When Is It Okay to Explain?
When someone asks for an explanation.
When the explanation contributes to growth and understanding rather than serving as an excuse.
When it does not hijack the conversation or dismiss someone else’s pain.
By recognizing the difference between explaining and defending, we can communicate with more self-awareness, integrity, and emotional intelligence, leading to more meaningful and productive conversations.
Remember, you got this!
-Dr. Jennie
© 2025 Dr. Jennie. All Rights Reserved.
This blog post is the intellectual property of Dr. Jennie and is protected under U.S. and international copyright law. No part of this content may be copied, reproduced, distributed, or republished without express written permission from the author.
